November 2, 2016 Dreamers

The Lady’s Guide to Bumble

pict1Bumble really messed up our game when they decided that the lady has
to make the first move. I know it’s basically 2017 and we’re supposed to be feminists and all but it’s basic evolution; men are the hunters and women are gatherers. We need to get over it, it’s getting cold out and Bumble is the new Tinder. My girlfriend sent me this screen shot the other day and I instantly thought “shit, we need to step our game up”.

We laugh at the opposite sex’s pickup lines, but we need to look in the mirror. C’mon single ladies, let’s make Beyoncé proud!

I gathered up my research (bumble screen shots) and decided to compile a guide for the single women who mass bumbles the girl waving emoji. I know you’ve done it; screen shots don’t lie.

#1 Check out their profile

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Majority of the time their profiles have an info section, which really helps us out on deciding if we’re going right or left. Pick something out from it and ask them a question, most questions don’t go unanswered. Bonus points if it’s a funny question. Since we’re all so hilarious let’s make our matches laugh. Once you’ve made him laugh, it’s over, you basically have a boyfriend. Just kidding you don’t, but trust me it’s a good start.

 

#2 Call them out

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Be a badass b*tch. If you can’t think of any hilarious questions, call them out on something. All their pictures are group shots? Be like “You must be the balding one, but it’s okay I like shiny heads”. Kind of a back-handed compliment I know but how can they not respond to that? They have either a puppy or a baby in one of their pictures? “You must have done your research”, When they ask you what you’re talking about answer with “who’s baby did you borrow?”. They speak 45 different languages? Tell them they’re intimidating and this is f*cking bumble not their ivy league school application.

 

#3 Send a GIF

 pict5Okay so they’ve got nothing in their profile to work with. It’s all good, we can still do this. Who doesn’t like Gif’s? They’re funny as f*ck and pretty god damn relatable. You guys matched at 6am, what’s better then Jimmy Fallon waving good morning to you before you’ve had your coffee? Trust me Jimmy Fallon’s face is much cuter then mine when I wake up #relatable. You’re super PMS and feel like a beached whale naked in your bed with your heating pad? Send over the GIF of the seal waving “sup”, They’ll have no idea that it’s your spirit animal in the moment but you’ll be like #relatable (in your head, they don’t have to know that). They’ll either answer you back with a Gif and you can judge them on their choice and choose to either unmatch or fall in love, or answer you with words and you got yourself a conversation happening!

#4  Pretend you know them

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“Hey again”, “You look super familiar”, “fancy meeting you here”. Maybe you have met them before, maybe you haven’t. It’s a small world, we basically all know each other. The opposite sex is a curious one, so they’ll definitely have a follow up to that. If you do know them follow up with something cute, not like a “how’ve you been”, you’re not basic. If you met them at a bar try something along the lines of “we should go back there, I bet I can beat you at pool” (even if you can’t who cares). If you have no idea who they are and they’re from Chicoutimi, maybe this isn’t the best one liner for you but who knows you can try, maybe you have been to Chicoutimi I don’t know.

#5 Do what you need to do girl 🙋

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Go with the waving emoji, I’m not saying it can’t work. It’s cuffing season, you can even send them the bride emoji and they’ll answer.

Full disclosure, I still don’t have a boyfriend, even though my pick-up lines are on point. BUT I got bumble literally a week ago and I had a date with emoji guy (not for me). I “rain checked” on pizza oven guy, he was asking so many questions and like who even has time for that. I’m going out with Gif guy Sunday, no lie I actually kind of like him. Not going to jump to conclusions or anything but it’s getting pretty serious (we’re texting). Serious may be the wrong use of the word but I like to stay positive. I just can’t with the other two guys, but hey 1/5 is a pretty good ratio for 2016.

Good luck my (not for long) single ladies!

Forever & Always,

🐝

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