- You can customize the job just to your likings
- You don’t need a man or a woman to get satisfaction
- You can experience new ways of pleasure from strangers without having to leave your house
- It’s all online and allows you to be anonymous
- No complaining about having a sore jaw 😉
- You may (probably will) look absolutely ridiculous doing this to your phone screen
- Do you know how many germs are on your phone? This requires serious sterilization before licking your screen
- Seems like a lot of work to get the accuracy of it
- Might be a weird feeling receiving virtual pleasure from a complete stranger
- Its slightly embarrassing to realize how lazy society has become that you now need to result to your phone for some action
Today, this babe turns 48. Yup – you read that right F-O-U-R-T-Y- E-I-G-H-T.
In honour of her birthday we’d like to share some of our favourite Jennifer moments & why we love her.
#1 When she had to pretend to be engaged to impress her boss (oh boy have times changed)
#2 Pre- “we were on a break”
#3 Ultimate breakup revenge (also, great ad for Pepsi)
#4 Post – “we were on a break”
#5 When she could do more than cook
#6 When she did the Hula
#7 When she proved she had “Unagi”
#8 When she proved she had a kinky side
#9 …and a sexy side
#10 Plus she’s an awesome friend (pun intended)
She’s also a really great writer – a must read in Huffington Post is her For The Record article. #WeLoveHer
#1 I BELIEVE
Number 1 will ALWAYS and FOREVER be because “I Believe I Can Fly”- R. Kelly is the opening song. How in the world can your heart not flutter when that song comes on? The first 30 seconds of Space Jam makes you feel like you can do anything, be anyone. It was the beginning of my beautiful relationship with 90’s R&B.
#2 IT’S ALL A JOKE
The joke about celebrity endorsement. When Stan goes to get Michael for a baseball game he says: “C’mon, Michael, it’s game time. Slip on your Hanes, lace up your Nikes, take your Wheaties and your Gatorade, and we’ll grab a Big Mac on the way to the ballpark [hot dogs]”. If only we were able to catch that when we were 12 years old. Not to mention the running joke about Michael’s baseball career, or lack of one.
Daffy Duck literally embodies north American fashion. His fashion show was so out of nowhere but it was the majority of 90’s baby’s favorite scene. Can we all just pay attention to the band aids on his fingers please, like LOL what is that even?
#4 DANNY DAVITO
Swackhammer, the evil boss of Moron Mountain is voiced by Danny Davito. Any and every movie featuring Danny Davito is my jam. Not many people can disagree with that, they even look alike.
#5 WHY NOT?
Michael Jordan, his children and every human that entered or saw the Looney Tunes were not fazed by them. This really made the viewer feel like this could be the real thing. The Looney Tunes could really exist. Michael didn’t even question it! If Michael f*cking Jordan isn’t questioning it then neither should we. He was like okay why not, I’ll play basketball with you.
The “secret stuff”. Bugs casually fills up a water bottle with tap water and writes “Michael’s Secret Stuff” on it to give the Tune Squad to motivate them. Guess what? It works! After this scene every 12-year-old was CONVINCED that they could be an NBA player with a little motivation. Between R. Kelly and the secret stuff we could be an NBA player too.
#7 LOLA BUNNY!
For the first time in history Bugs has a girlfriend and she is stunning. Bugs starts out by calling her doll and she totally stands up for herself #girlpower. Then Bugs becomes really romantic and they fall in love. We could all learn a thing or two from both of them.
#8 THE FIRST SCENE
Michael’s father was so cute, can he please be my father? JK dad I love you, but really he’s the inspiring father that every pre-teen wants. He encouraged him to fly… Which all led to the final, epic game against the Monstars.
#9 THE SOUNDTRACK
The music. Period. R. Kelly, Seal, Salt-N-Pepa, Barry White, and the list goes on. The soundtrack went double platinum, for a cartoon movie that’s pretty impressive.
#10 THE SLAM DUNK
Last but not least Michael Jordan’s final slam dunk. He makes a deal with Swackhammer and puts his own life on the line for the Looney Tunes and the other NBA players. 10 seconds left on the clock and the ball goes back and forth between players, finally Michael gets the ball and jumps. His arm stretches a looney length and slam dunks the winning basket! It’s the scene that we all wait for watching the movie. Michael Jordan’s arm being able to stretch shows his inner connection that was created with Bugs and the gang. Truly inspiring.
P.S. MICHAEL JORDAN’S BODY.
That’s all folks!
#5 Destiny’s Child
#4 Stephen & Ayesha Curry
#3 White House
#2 This Adorable Dog
#1 These Adorable Pooches
+ These Bonus Cuties
Bumble really messed up our game when they decided that the lady has
to make the first move. I know it’s basically 2017 and we’re supposed to be feminists and all but it’s basic evolution; men are the hunters and women are gatherers. We need to get over it, it’s getting cold out and Bumble is the new Tinder. My girlfriend sent me this screen shot the other day and I instantly thought “shit, we need to step our game up”.
We laugh at the opposite sex’s pickup lines, but we need to look in the mirror. C’mon single ladies, let’s make Beyoncé proud!
I gathered up my research (bumble screen shots) and decided to compile a guide for the single women who mass bumbles the girl waving emoji. I know you’ve done it; screen shots don’t lie.
#1 Check out their profile
Majority of the time their profiles have an info section, which really helps us out on deciding if we’re going right or left. Pick something out from it and ask them a question, most questions don’t go unanswered. Bonus points if it’s a funny question. Since we’re all so hilarious let’s make our matches laugh. Once you’ve made him laugh, it’s over, you basically have a boyfriend. Just kidding you don’t, but trust me it’s a good start.
#2 Call them out
Be a badass b*tch. If you can’t think of any hilarious questions, call them out on something. All their pictures are group shots? Be like “You must be the balding one, but it’s okay I like shiny heads”. Kind of a back-handed compliment I know but how can they not respond to that? They have either a puppy or a baby in one of their pictures? “You must have done your research”, When they ask you what you’re talking about answer with “who’s baby did you borrow?”. They speak 45 different languages? Tell them they’re intimidating and this is f*cking bumble not their ivy league school application.
#3 Send a GIF
Okay so they’ve got nothing in their profile to work with. It’s all good, we can still do this. Who doesn’t like Gif’s? They’re funny as f*ck and pretty god damn relatable. You guys matched at 6am, what’s better then Jimmy Fallon waving good morning to you before you’ve had your coffee? Trust me Jimmy Fallon’s face is much cuter then mine when I wake up #relatable. You’re super PMS and feel like a beached whale naked in your bed with your heating pad? Send over the GIF of the seal waving “sup”, They’ll have no idea that it’s your spirit animal in the moment but you’ll be like #relatable (in your head, they don’t have to know that). They’ll either answer you back with a Gif and you can judge them on their choice and choose to either unmatch or fall in love, or answer you with words and you got yourself a conversation happening!
#4 Pretend you know them
“Hey again”, “You look super familiar”, “fancy meeting you here”. Maybe you have met them before, maybe you haven’t. It’s a small world, we basically all know each other. The opposite sex is a curious one, so they’ll definitely have a follow up to that. If you do know them follow up with something cute, not like a “how’ve you been”, you’re not basic. If you met them at a bar try something along the lines of “we should go back there, I bet I can beat you at pool” (even if you can’t who cares). If you have no idea who they are and they’re from Chicoutimi, maybe this isn’t the best one liner for you but who knows you can try, maybe you have been to Chicoutimi I don’t know.
#5 Do what you need to do girl 🙋
Go with the waving emoji, I’m not saying it can’t work. It’s cuffing season, you can even send them the bride emoji and they’ll answer.
Full disclosure, I still don’t have a boyfriend, even though my pick-up lines are on point. BUT I got bumble literally a week ago and I had a date with emoji guy (not for me). I “rain checked” on pizza oven guy, he was asking so many questions and like who even has time for that. I’m going out with Gif guy Sunday, no lie I actually kind of like him. Not going to jump to conclusions or anything but it’s getting pretty serious (we’re texting). Serious may be the wrong use of the word but I like to stay positive. I just can’t with the other two guys, but hey 1/5 is a pretty good ratio for 2016.
Good luck my (not for long) single ladies!
Forever & Always,
Before anything I would just like to mention that there are major spoiler alerts in this post…
20 years ago today we were introduced to Cynthia, Annie, Elise & Brenda. The movie begins with Annie, Brenda & Elise receiving beautiful pearl necklaces from Cynthia in honour of their college graduation. They toast to each other saying they are bounded together for life “by friendship, love.. and jewelry – and will always.. always be there for each other for the rest of their lives”. Sadly they’re not…
Cynthia’s husband ends up leaving her for a younger woman and gets remarried within weeks of their divorce. Depressed and alone she ends up giving her pearls to her cleaning lady and mails out letters to her college friends before plunging to her death from her penthouse.
20 years later Brenda, Annie & Elise come together when they receive Cynthia’s letters and realize not only do they have a lot in common but they can all benefit from one another. Planning the ultimate revenge on their ex-husbands and realizing a true friendship never goes out of style.
Separated from her husband finds out he is having an affair with THEIR therapist.
Oscar award winner & plastic-surgery addict who’s husband left her for the younger and hotter version.
Husband goes through a mid-life crisis and leaves her because he feels she’s “making him feel old”.
In honour of their 20 year anniversary I would like to share my top 5 moments of the movie and valuable life lessons along with them.
#1 Because dessert doesn’t ask questions… dessert understands.
#2 #AllOfTheFeelings is always better than #NoFeelings
#3 Sometimes you need a good wake up call… especially from your girls.
#4 If the music is good, you dance!
#5 And last but not least, no one owns you.
To all the youg-ins reading this blog – this is the Original ladies anthem #YouAreWelcome
If you haven’t already heard, after a five year hiatus, Curb Your Enthusiasm is coming back for another season! The news was broken by HBO and Larry David in a Tuesday morning press release, and although we don’t know when the season will kick off, we hope it’s before Game of Thrones ends so we can spend an hour crying over some major character’s death and then the next half hour laughing hysterically at Larry’s antics.
Asked why he decided to reboot the longest running show on HBO, David said, “In the immortal words of Julius Caesar, ‘I left, I did nothing, I returned.’”
Classic LD humility, but not really true. Since 2011, which is when season 8 ended, David co-wrote and starred in the HBO film Clear History with John Hamm (2013), wrote and co-starred in his own Broadway show with Jason Alexander (George from Seinfeld), made us crack up as Bernie Sanders on SNL, and probably executed dozens of flawless chat-and-cuts that were sadly not caught on film.
If you’re a big Larry David nerd have the patience to tolerate him for longer than half an hour, Bill Simmons did a podcast back in summer 2015 where David hinted at a new season of Curb (and brilliantly defended the Seinfeld finale.)
Curb, like Seinfeld and It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia, is a show that could easily go on forever because nothing really ever moves forward. The characters never mature in any significant way, never learn from their lessons, and while the relationships may change, you know they’ll all die single eventually. Some people love that, some people don’t, but Larry David sure as hell doesn’t care either way.
So, what to expect from season 9? More of the same old takes on fresh social bullshit, of course. And with the world getting more and more ridiculous in 2016 (think selfie sticks/memes/drones/dating apps), prepare to laugh a lot. Although David has always tried to make his topics timeless, season 9 of Curb has the potential to be like @Seinfeld2000 for real.
A few ideas for season 9. (These are free, Larry, free! And gold, Jerry, gold!)
- Larry looks for a way to get his constant rage out and accidentally joins ISIS after watching a recruitment video.
- Larry doesn’t understand why “Damn, Daniel” is so funny and annoys everyone about it.
- Larry gets ghosted on Tinder and demands justice any way he can get it.
- Larry is tired of Suzie documenting every moment with her drone camera on a ski trip so he destroys it and frames Jeff.
- Larry tries to score tickets for Hamilton and is convinced he’s being sabotaged.
- Larry sees Cheryl on Bumble and gets frustrated that he can’t message her.
Buckle up and prepare to be simultaneously crying of laughter, slightly offended, and very disgusted. Welcome back Curb Your Enthusiasm!
In exactly ONE MONTH, Game of Thrones is returning for another season of violence, drama, drinking, sex, magic, sex, dragons, and sex, and it’s going to be sexy. If you’ve watched all five seasons of this show and are still under the impression that the men of Westeros hold the power, then you need to check yourself. Yes, the battle for the Iron Throne is fought between men, but behind every man is a woman ten times as powerful and badass pulling the strings. Even forced to walk naked through the pre-sewer system streets of King’s Landing, Cersei still has more power than Tommen. And Melisandre could ask to take Stannis’ balls home and he would gladly wrap them up in a doggie bag for her.
We’ve put together a list of our favourite women from Westeros to Essos and broken down their personalities in modern-day terms. Read ahead to see which Game of Thrones woman you are!
Boy, you sure grew up fast. You’re a naïve dreamer at heart, fantasizing about settling down with your prince charming in some idyllic castle in some fantasyland. Unfortunately, things rarely seem to work out like they do in your dreams. You rarely stay in relationships for too long, and when you do, they’re with abusive bums who are no good for you.
Every year you think you’ve grown up and moved past your childish errors, only to make the same ol’ mistakes. You are constantly being manipulated. Whenever you think you’re being clever or brave or sexy, it’s only because someone else is making you feel that way for their own ends.
Ideal first date: Dinner at the mall food court. You’ll pay because he forgot his debit card. You’ve learned to settle for less.
How you spend your Sunday afternoon: Spent crocheting your boyfriend a scarf.
Your job: Selling stuff on Etsy.
Family comes first. In every sense. You don’t have many friends, and the few that you do have you wouldn’t hesitate to manipulate to get ahead. Everybody knows not to cross you, and even though there’s plenty of juicy gossip, nobody would dare talk behind—or even around—your back.
Ideal first date: He overhears that your sister is getting married next weekend and asks to be your +1 to her wedding so he can get to know your extended family.
How you spend your Sunday afternoon: Looking through old family photo albums with your brother. Blacking out the faces of the family members who have wronged you.
Your job: The CEO of a Fortune 500 company.
You are full of contradictions. Like a freaky blend of Bernie Sanders and Genghis Khan, you’re both the most compassionate and the most blood-thirsty person in the room at all times. You volunteer your time for good causes but in between delivering Meals on Wheels you’re on the phone firing your assistant for not separating the recycling properly. You like to surround yourself with people you trust, but are scared of taking their advice because you don’t actually trust them deep down.
Ideal first date: A romantic, candle-lit dinner where you impress and dominate your date by holding your fingers over the flames without flinching.
How you spend your Sunday afternoon: Listening to Drake’s “Trust Issues” while swiping through Bumble.
Your job: The high-powered lawyer they hire to sue BP after a big oil spill. (Also one of the dragons on Dragons’ Den in your spare time.)
You’re effortlessly pretty, popular, smart, compassionate, funny, and easygoing. Pretty much the total package. You’re always smiling and polite, but beneath your carefully constructed facade you are hella manipulative. You’re the type of girl who’s never single for long, and your boyfriends’ friends and family all love you immediately—except for his mother. Other women feel threatened by you, and are constantly trying to trip you up and embarrass you in public.
Ideal first date: You surprise him with two tickets to a baseball game. Or whatever sport he’s into.
How you spend your Sunday afternoon: On the phone with your grandma.
Your job: Actress for Neutrogena commercials.
You are unshakeable and give off a quiet yet powerful (and sort of creepy) sense of calm. You’ve always had this sense that everything in life will go your way somehow, and that there’s no sense in stressing about the small things. You never cared about making friends or partying in college, and the last time you went out to a bar the guy who tried to buy you a drink mysteriously disappeared without a trace.
Ideal first date: Watching a Hitchcock movie.
How you spend your Sunday afternoon: In a sensory deprivation chamber.
Your job: Life coach.
Brienne of Tarth
You are loyal, brave, and tireless. You will defend your friends and family to your last breath, even when they don’t necessarily want you around, and are afraid of nothing except exploring your own tormented past. You are happiest alone, and look forward to growing old with your trusty old pitbull. People have always underestimated you, and although it pisses you off, you love getting a chance to prove your haters wrong.
Ideal first date: Dating is for suckers.
How you spend your Sunday afternoon: Hitting the gym.
Your job: Whatever Ryan Gosling did in Drive.
You don’t tolerate drama, weakness, nonsense, stupidity, fools, children, internet videos, cute animals, fast food, hostel beds, fake jewelry, cheap wine, or social media. You’re known for your sharp tongue and sarcasm, and while everybody respects you they’re also a little afraid of you. You have a powerful inner circle of friends and family who you can joke around with, but in public you are ruthless, impatient, and always get what you want.
Ideal first date: Dinner at whatever restaurant is the hardest to get a reservation at.
How you spend your Sunday afternoon: Shopping on 5th Avenue.
Your job: President of some small, wealthy European country.