In exactly ONE MONTH, Game of Thrones is returning for another season of violence, drama, drinking, sex, magic, sex, dragons, and sex, and it’s going to be sexy. If you’ve watched all five seasons of this show and are still under the impression that the men of Westeros hold the power, then you need to check yourself. Yes, the battle for the Iron Throne is fought between men, but behind every man is a woman ten times as powerful and badass pulling the strings. Even forced to walk naked through the pre-sewer system streets of King’s Landing, Cersei still has more power than Tommen. And Melisandre could ask to take Stannis’ balls home and he would gladly wrap them up in a doggie bag for her.
We’ve put together a list of our favourite women from Westeros to Essos and broken down their personalities in modern-day terms. Read ahead to see which Game of Thrones woman you are!
Boy, you sure grew up fast. You’re a naïve dreamer at heart, fantasizing about settling down with your prince charming in some idyllic castle in some fantasyland. Unfortunately, things rarely seem to work out like they do in your dreams. You rarely stay in relationships for too long, and when you do, they’re with abusive bums who are no good for you.
Every year you think you’ve grown up and moved past your childish errors, only to make the same ol’ mistakes. You are constantly being manipulated. Whenever you think you’re being clever or brave or sexy, it’s only because someone else is making you feel that way for their own ends.
Ideal first date: Dinner at the mall food court. You’ll pay because he forgot his debit card. You’ve learned to settle for less.
How you spend your Sunday afternoon: Spent crocheting your boyfriend a scarf.
Your job: Selling stuff on Etsy.
Family comes first. In every sense. You don’t have many friends, and the few that you do have you wouldn’t hesitate to manipulate to get ahead. Everybody knows not to cross you, and even though there’s plenty of juicy gossip, nobody would dare talk behind—or even around—your back.
Ideal first date: He overhears that your sister is getting married next weekend and asks to be your +1 to her wedding so he can get to know your extended family.
How you spend your Sunday afternoon: Looking through old family photo albums with your brother. Blacking out the faces of the family members who have wronged you.
Your job: The CEO of a Fortune 500 company.
You are full of contradictions. Like a freaky blend of Bernie Sanders and Genghis Khan, you’re both the most compassionate and the most blood-thirsty person in the room at all times. You volunteer your time for good causes but in between delivering Meals on Wheels you’re on the phone firing your assistant for not separating the recycling properly. You like to surround yourself with people you trust, but are scared of taking their advice because you don’t actually trust them deep down.
Ideal first date: A romantic, candle-lit dinner where you impress and dominate your date by holding your fingers over the flames without flinching.
How you spend your Sunday afternoon: Listening to Drake’s “Trust Issues” while swiping through Bumble.
Your job: The high-powered lawyer they hire to sue BP after a big oil spill. (Also one of the dragons on Dragons’ Den in your spare time.)
You’re effortlessly pretty, popular, smart, compassionate, funny, and easygoing. Pretty much the total package. You’re always smiling and polite, but beneath your carefully constructed facade you are hella manipulative. You’re the type of girl who’s never single for long, and your boyfriends’ friends and family all love you immediately—except for his mother. Other women feel threatened by you, and are constantly trying to trip you up and embarrass you in public.
Ideal first date: You surprise him with two tickets to a baseball game. Or whatever sport he’s into.
How you spend your Sunday afternoon: On the phone with your grandma.
Your job: Actress for Neutrogena commercials.
You are unshakeable and give off a quiet yet powerful (and sort of creepy) sense of calm. You’ve always had this sense that everything in life will go your way somehow, and that there’s no sense in stressing about the small things. You never cared about making friends or partying in college, and the last time you went out to a bar the guy who tried to buy you a drink mysteriously disappeared without a trace.
Ideal first date: Watching a Hitchcock movie.
How you spend your Sunday afternoon: In a sensory deprivation chamber.
Your job: Life coach.
Brienne of Tarth
You are loyal, brave, and tireless. You will defend your friends and family to your last breath, even when they don’t necessarily want you around, and are afraid of nothing except exploring your own tormented past. You are happiest alone, and look forward to growing old with your trusty old pitbull. People have always underestimated you, and although it pisses you off, you love getting a chance to prove your haters wrong.
Ideal first date: Dating is for suckers.
How you spend your Sunday afternoon: Hitting the gym.
Your job: Whatever Ryan Gosling did in Drive.
You don’t tolerate drama, weakness, nonsense, stupidity, fools, children, internet videos, cute animals, fast food, hostel beds, fake jewelry, cheap wine, or social media. You’re known for your sharp tongue and sarcasm, and while everybody respects you they’re also a little afraid of you. You have a powerful inner circle of friends and family who you can joke around with, but in public you are ruthless, impatient, and always get what you want.
Ideal first date: Dinner at whatever restaurant is the hardest to get a reservation at.
How you spend your Sunday afternoon: Shopping on 5th Avenue.
Your job: President of some small, wealthy European country.